Mental Health

Once upon a time ago I did not understand what exactly Mental Health was, or the exact meaning of it really. I had never heard the term mental health in high school nor even before that. Before, I had assumed that it was normal to feel the way I did, and that there was no way of ever “fixing” or changing it since it’ll always be there, of course I never understood why? What was it that made me feel like this? And for how long was I going to feel this way? My family wasn't too aware or focused on mental health, so that also played a roll in my miss understanding of it.

From what I remember, any topic about or related to mental health was commonly referred to as someone being called “crazy” or “not right in the head” and that any individual who showed any sign of craziness needed to be placed in either psych wards, or asylums. At least that’s what my dad would always say, “los locos son llevados a los manicomios”, this would always make me think, “Am I goin to be taken away to? If I tell them? All that I’ve been feeling and what goes on in my head? Does that make me crazy?” So instead, I kept quiet. I kept it all in and didn’t share much— I think that’s also another reason why I can’t easily open up to others, I mean I've gotten better at sharing, at least I think I have??

I always wondered about what caused all these strange feeling to occur. Where did it all start? With my foggy memory I can’t think of an actual day or time when these feeling first happened, if anything it seems like it was always like that. Sometimes I honestly thought I was born this way, but after learning more about mental health, how it can be triggers, or a form of trauma or accident, injury to the head that can “cause” it. If I think about all those triggers, I think about all those moments I felt alone, numb, or empty. I think about the head injuries when I was little, I think about moments my sister abandoned me when I wanted her help, I think about the incidents with Noreen and the man in the cowboy hat, I think about the verbal abuse from my parents as I grew up, I think about out the incident in high school, I think about every single moment that I was at my most vulnerable. And each of those moments I was always alone. Every time I would feel the same way I always felt. And each of those moments there was no one ever there to help, or calm me, or tell me everything is okay, and it’s okay to feel this way.

I can’t say that I can point at a specific moment and say “AH, that’s where is all started.” Cause I can’t. I don’t know. these past few years, I've learned more about Mental Health and about Therapy. The more I learned about it, I finally understood what it meant, and that I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t alone, there are other’s who share the same thoughts and feelings, of course each and every one of us experiences it differently, but I found it somehow relieving to know that in some way, we’re not completely alone.

Sometimes, I found myself randomly thinking about finding someone to be there, and if there ever was someone who I ever came across that would be caring enough to care or even help me understand it and knowing it could hurt when they do, I should listen. I know it’ll be hard for me since I’ve grown used to dealing with all of this alone, so it would be hard for me. But I know, I'll always try, I'd find ways to help myself, and calm the anxiety, calm the unwanted thoughts. So I can show them that I am trying, that I am wanting to get better. Just like if they're every feeling a certain way and dealing with their own mental health, I want to support them and be there for them—although now, I learned that I before I can be too much when I want to help, but that's only cause I didn't know how to approach someone when it came to this topic, but I'm always hoping that I can get better at understanding their point of views and how to support them the way they want or need.

Over the years the more I learned and even started going to Therapy—which I have two different experiences, one was very helpful but the other made me question it all together. But if you ask, would I try Therapy once again? Honestly, yes, I would, I want to, cause I know there's still some things I still have to fix and get better at. The only thing for me is that I hope, once I start going to therapy again that I get a good therapist this time, someone that I actually feel safe with and allow myself to be vulnerable with, instead of hearing the words "Don't you think its all in your head? Maybe you should try smiling more, that would help you feel better and look prettier" again—yes, I know, I KNOW, exactly what you're thinking, and yes it was.

Although, Mental Health, has been a roller coaster for me throughout the years, I hope you guys get to see a glimpse of what MY mental health looks like and hopes this also helps you understand me a little better too.

•