Monster Inside

Monster…. When you hear and read that word, what’s the first thing that pops in your head? Is it that definition of a hideous, gross, giant thing? Or is it the creepy thing that you think of that is lurking in the darkness? Or do you ever think yourself as a monster?

My elementary school mates decided that fate for me, on top of being known as the Troubled Child I was also known as a monster. The girl that no one should get close to, the girl that will never be anything good, the odd girl, the outcast. Despite having a uniform dress code, I was always somehow dressed in black or covered in black, with only my black knee-high socks and black shoes left visible underneath my giant black sweater and on rare occasions id wear my favorite little vest that has a white line running across my chest. As a little kid I always tried to disprove what rumors were made up about yours truly, I tried to show everyone the person who I was. But somehow My favorite bullies found a way to get everyone to avoid me and bully me some more and none of the teachers ever bat an eye. -(now working with kids, I take bullying very serious cause NO kid should ever have to be bullied.) Aside, having our entire school grade against me, I still had a few connections with some students that actually liked me for me, and would be my friends.

Through out the school year there wasn’t a day where I wouldn’t be called “monster” and honestly I was really finding it boring now, wasn't there anything better they could start using? Don't get me wrong though, the daily monster calling and constant bullying was really exhausting and draining. At times it was honestly too much and I just wanted someone to listen and talk to. I had tried opening up to my family but was quickly dismissed, so eventually I stopped trying to open up, I held everything in, I suffered in silence or would go find a lonely quiet place to cry and eventually slowly started letting my frustration out by beating the kids up, or fighting back.

I was really starting to feel this monster that they spoke of growing inside me, this darker version of myself. I could feel her standing behind me, watching, listening, and whispering in my ear. At first, I didn’t understand or know how to exactly feel about this monster-being lurking inside me. I had tried my best to suppress that feeling and keep myself from thinking of this dark self, thinking it was just my imagination. It wasn’t until that moment when I was pushed far too much by Irvin and his group, my main constant bullies. They gathered around me one morning, encircling me, and began to shoved me around, I had asked them to stop and to leave me alone, then unexpectedly, in the middle of all the pushing, everything went quiet and it was the first time I heard her voice and I could feel her presence so strongly, before everything turned black.

One day I was feeling extremely exhausted and out of it where I found myself in the restroom I oddly had a feeling to look in the mirror but at the same time to stay away from the mirror but I curiosity took over and I went over to look and that was the very first time I met face to face with this darker version, this monster, this other me,. In that moment I was terrified, I wanted to run but I was frozen in place. WHO THE F**K was I looking at and WHY did I also feel a very calming effect from them at the same time? We both never spoke a word, but we stared at each other for what felt like forever, until someone came into the restroom and broke our connection, when I looked back into the mirror that figure was gone, just my spooked reflection was looking back at me.

WHO was that? Was all I could think about the rest of the day, I remember just walking the rest of the day in a blur. It was as if I was walking in grey, no color stood out, all the faces around me blurred, and the noises all muffled. I was also afraid that perhaps that's how everyone saw me, was this figure the monster that the rest of my classmates could see that I couldn’t? Could I become that? I was starting to believe that I was this monster that they said I was, maybe they were right, I was someone no one should get to know, or get close too. Meeting this dark version of myself was the leading point that made me see myself strange even in my own eyes, I really was completely different from the others and no wonder they decided to stay away, perhaps it’s best that they did, I probably was a monster then—probably still am.

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