Rage is a quiet thing

Before, when I was younger no one had ever told or ever explained to me why I was feeling the way I did. Nor was I ever shown ways to understand it or cope or find ways to care for myself. After what felt years of having to hide my thoughts and feelings, suppressing my emotions, keeping quiet about the bullying at school and having to fear being home alone or the danger of falling into the grasps of a stranger. How was I supposed to deal with all?

Little did I know that these feeling of mine where something more then just hurt, fear, pain and loneliness. All those feeling combined it slowly began consuming me—at times I feel like it still can when I reach a certain breaking point. But this feeling was strange to me, and I didn’t know how to control them or be able to express them without getting into trouble or being seen or told that I was doing it for attention. It was hard, and it really sucked. How was I able to understand all that I felt and thought at a young age of ten? What the f**k did they expect me to do? They don’t know how it progressed throughout the years. No one explained that in the near future my body would go through some changes, not just with the hormones and periods, but the added mental changes, insecurities, self doubting, both growth and lack of confidence in the mix?— well that's actually half true, I remember in Fifth grade they separated all the girls and boys into two different classrooms and showed us a video of what "Coming of Age" is and they gave a brief explanation of what would happen to our bodies and what sex is, but that was it. What about the rest of it? sheeeshhh.... But yes, the bullying from elementary really did a number on me but as you remember I also tried to find my own form of solutions to be able to get back at my bullies and be able to suppress and control or even find my own ways of peace with these feelings throughout my elementary years.

Then, there was being at home trapped and full of fear, never not knowing when it would happen again, or not knowing if that man was there waiting. It made me nervous living in my own home, quite frankly I started feeling it more like I was trapped in a cage then an actual home. It wasnt easy nor comfortable living and always having to look over your shoulder, feeling the pierce of a pair of eyes following your every step and movement. Not knowing when you'd be stuck and frozen in the grasps of a predator. I was trapped. I was afraid. And yet that feeling from the bullying began to grow here at home too.

In a way I do admit though, I was enjoying this feeling, this new numbness. I began to learn, that it always followed after I felt a certain feeling or emotion? A part of me knew not to allow this feeling in but yet another part of me also welcomed it. This numbing feeling was more then just numbness though, it was the one feeling that has also helped me feel my strongest. It was the feeling that allowed me to keep going, despite what hurt I came across or what emotions I began to learn and see. It was the feeling that allowed me to see things around me for what they really were. It opened my eye to all the hidden secrets that those around me would try and hide. And it was the feeling that allowed me to understand serious things that someone at a young age wouldn’t and shouldn’t understand till the appropriate age.

Aside this numbing feeling there was another hidden layer mixed within it. And this hidden feeling was waiting for the day if could finally be released......and Oh, and it was released alright.