The Month Of June

The month of june

Welly Welly Well, here we are once again in the month of June, your dear story teller was born during this month, on a specific day and a specific year a long time ago. I've always had mixed feeling when the time arrived or nearing June. A form of grief tends to be felt around this time. I have no idea really why.

All I've always known is that the month of June hasn’t always been so festive for me there was always something that happened before and even now nearing my birthdate that changed the entire feeling of June. The last REAL birthday I had felt was when I was 10, every other time it started feeling different each time. The first time it actually hurt, which is normal, but every other time it started feeling lonely? or normal? At least I find it normal—Now. Perhaps, its just a thing that happens after everyone turns 10, right? You have to grow up and become an adult? No longer a kid, so no more birthday parties, or presents or toys, time to be grown up and do adult things—I mean, what a 10 year old is allowed to do? At least I had to grow up or it felt like I did.

I know, I shouldn’t think selfish and think about others or how people tend to randomly comment or think “other people have it worse” yes, I do agree on that, there are others who have it way worse, which I understand now, but at the age of ten, It was all so different to me. Since then, every year for some reason I always had a dark feeling towards the month of June. As if something is always going to happen, so I’ve always felt the need to be ready for anything. I don’t know if that’s even a normal feeling to feel?

I’ve been asked before why I don’t like my birth month, which it’s not that I don’t like it, it just goes back to that feeing. I’ve tried to not think of it or just try to enjoy it, the beginning of summer and my birthday, like how everyone else does, you know, that excitement that summer tends to bring. No more school, staying up late, no homework etc. - well now its more like trying to put the baby down at a good time for naps, or bed at night, cook meals, clean the house, do laundry, go to sleep at a good time to be up early for work in the morning , an Adult life summer. When I do think of the happy moments around me and the people around me, and how happy and loving they feel, it does cheer me up. Especially when I get to wake up next to my sweet baby and my handsome, its the best feeling in the world. So, I try not to think of that dark feeling that comes out during this time of the year. Although, I do wish that one day this feeling completely goes away, I don't always want to be a downer to those around me and to my sweet baby, and I'm honestly tired of crying during the nights or holding back tears throughout the day. so when it comes to someone else's birthday, I always go the extra mile to make others feel special on their birthday, so they won’t ever feel the loneliness or sadness I’ve come to felt.

It’s not a good feeling to always have that thought that you don’t mean anything to those around you, to feel dreadful for completing another year, to question if what you’re feeling is true or not. That constant sensation I tend to feel, the Anxiety that comes around. I do have high hopes that one day it will completely disappear, I just don't know when or if I’ll even notice it when it does and I hope I do, as much as I want to say that I don’t, it's because I think what I want to feel most is to finally feel free from it and I can finally enjoy summer and the month of June and finally be able to celebrate me.

Birthday notes:

Note: In the year of 2021 I had felt a promising feeling and I had hoped I got to feel it once again this year (2022) and throughout the next years. -S

Note 2: Year 2022, I didn’t get to feel that promising feeling again, but it wasn’t the dark feeling I usually get either, I honestly don’t know what I felt? But at least it was something right? -S

Note 3: Year 2023 I was pregnant, and honestly felt really happy.

Note 4: Year 2024 I was able to celebrate with my little cub and celebrate my handsome first fathers day even if i did feel a little blue, THEY made it feel special

Note 5: This year (2025) I've been feeling that dark feeling again, and honestly i was hoping it would be a good year this time again but here we are.